My ongoing and ever evolving story of recovery from an eating disorder and depression. Constantly learning, changing and growing. It can be a beautiful process and is worth the hard work. Seeking healthy relationship with food and exercise. To run without the mental torture and eat without a calorie calculator in my head. To dream and aspire because there is so much more life available without an ED. To look in mirrors. To enjoy food. To discover why this happened and challenge every false assumption. To re-learn who I am. To quit dieting and love health, nutrition and fitness with COMPASSION for myself. For this to be worth something. To help others. For this to be the making of me, not what tears me down.

TO FIGHT. Challenge accepted.
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Just completed the Moor Park 10K. It started at 3 and at 1.45 I was still in bed. Feeling down, upset and incapable with horrendous body image. Truly awful. Decided suddenly I should at least try so got the 2pm bus. I had to walk the dreaded hill but I did it. Can’t quite believe it. Missing dad so much, I didn’t think I could face it. But I’m so glad I tried. These days are just so hard. #running #moorpark #moorpark10k #loverunning #grief #keepgoing #10k #recovery #fitness


I honestly feel like no one understands what it’s like to suffer from a binging eating disorder.
This is the most terrible feeling ever.
I hate this.

What dad loved and chuckled at! How could you not!! #hamster #hamstersofinstagram #hamstersoninstagram #funny #myboy

Meant a lot to see this girl!

My family. The gap dad has left is huge, but it meant a lot for us to be together. Was very upset and didn’t want to be a picture but @ejtalks reminded me that we wouldn’t have another chance to all be together for a long while. Thanks EJ. #family #grief #missyoudad #loss #heartbroken

I love how much my daddy loved my hamster. He was really fond of him and would laugh as Cashew swing about on the bars. He called him Tarzan. Sometimes it was just the company he gave Dad that helped as he sat in living room. He used to talk to him and call him a “naughty wee boy” and sometimes his voice would get stronger when he talked to him. I know it’s just a hamster but honestly this boy made such a difference and even now gives me a lot of comfort as he reminds me of Dad. He would send me lots of texts for Cashew ha. My dad was such a joker. #grief #hamster #hamstersofinstagram #hamstersoninstagram #pets #lovehim #myboy

I’m afraid I don’t even know what it looks like for me anymore. I don’t fit into any box, my ambitions become twisted in it, my intentions always feel questioned and the good days are good just because the bits I can cope with less didn’t happen. I’m tired and grieving and devastated by my body and weight gain. Honesty. What is recovery with a tired anorexic brain and a now overweight body? To think I worked so hard to get fit and healthy and now I’m neither. Terrified of food and yet eat it. No winning. No middle ground. Miss my daddy. #imtired #sorry #edrecovery #eatingdisorder #ednos #ednosrecovery #bingeeatingdisorder #atypicalanorexia #idontfit #recovery #whatisrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #fear #wheretobegin #sad #grief #depression #fearvsdreams #bingeeating #bed #bulimia #weight #weightgain #thisissopainful


a reminder

(via firesfade)

I’ve cleaned out my closet
four times this year.
I’m always sick
of the women I’ve been.
I no longer
fantasize over
making beds on the train tracks.
I am staying above water,
I am fighting.

I am a mountain
of a girl.

Michelle K., I Am a Mountain. (via michellekpoems)


Anyone else feel the same way?

Just went on a mind clearing 6 mile walk to and through Ruislip woods. Thinking lots about Daddy. Feel so odd and numb at times. But this looks yummy! Morning snackage with a coffee. #exerciseformentalhealth #grief #edrecovery #recovery #pulsin #nom #protein #trying #healing #ednos #ednosrecovery #eatingdisorder #walking #fitness #healthy

Eating disorders are NOT weight dependent. From anorexia to orthorexia, binge-eating to pica. It doesn’t matter. It’s your relationship with food and consuming the vital nutrients you need to keep alive. Anorexia is a way of slowly getting rid of yourself, binge-eating and overeating can be a way of blocking out the negativity with a barrier of food. It’s a loss of control as a result of an attempt to grab control. Those supporting sufferers shouldn’t concentrate on weight, or size, but on the way the sufferer reacts to food and eating. Don’t be fooled into thinking that the numbers matter one God-Damn bit. They don’t. You need to stop using the numbers to show yourself that the voices are lying to you; actually, you just need to stop caring whether they’re lying or not.
My Therapist, on “the voices are trying to convince me I’m fat”. (via untanglingamy)


I’ve got 99 problems and about 97 of them are about my eating disorder that nobody’s really concerned about.