I Will Fight Better

972love:

I hate that every single day of my life I have to deal with my eating disorder. Even if I don’t give in and am doing well, I still have to battle the thoughts.

I just want a break, but i know that will never truly come. Each day I have to face food multiple times, and although it’s become routine to follow the guidelines of my meal plan, It’s still a huge struggle.

I wish that there was an off switch.

Not giving up.

odolnost:

These negative feelings won’t last forever, I just need to ignore them now until they go away and try to stay positive.

Nothing will change if I don’t keep fighting.

avocadoqueen:

half of me: I want to lose weight
other half of me: I want my life back

972love:

I hate that every single day of my life I have to deal with my eating disorder. Even if I don’t give in and am doing well, I still have to battle the thoughts.

I just want a break, but i know that will never truly come. Each day I have to face food multiple times, and although it’s become routine to follow the guidelines of my meal plan, It’s still a huge struggle.

I wish that there was an off switch.

Happy Sad.

Happy sad. 

Such a complex emotion.

So much going on inside my head right now. I want to cry but at the same time I want to jump for joy because everything is amazing. But there’s always more to it because things matter so much to me. On a deep level. People matter so much. 

I am moving out and starting anew and it is fantastic. But change is still hard. A challenge. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and I am so grateful. But I’m also sad because of reasons I can’t explain. Change is hard as it is equally exciting. Possibility is exciting as it is scary. Dare to see more for yourself? Fear losing what’s important.   

Happy sad. 

Celebrating this moment.

Today feels like quite an interesting day. Normally on Sunday I get to the gym early and because it is usually a stay at home in afternoon and relax day I end up picking at stuff. It is always a day where I essentially “have the calories” - but I always end up go a bit far and calories are not the issue - it’s more how I feel inside. So today I am happy because I find that the food I am looking forward to today for once is healthy! Cottage cheese with jam and banana :) Soya yogurt with jelly. Had my chicken and veg for dinner. Got a tasty salad for later. Had my porridge this morning, of course. I am not saying that if later I find I fancy this or that I shouldn’t eat it - I burnt 850 calories and can afford to have a “treat”. But the interesting thing of today is that this “treat” has become the healthy food I used to begrudge eating. I believe this is because I am appreciating more how my body FEELS. Enjoying the effects of healthy eating.

But also - not having that feeling of restriction deep down that is what makes me think I have to eat this or that TODAY whilst I have “extra” calories. But this is a LIFESTYLE. As corny as that sounds now. It’s true. So normally I come home and feel desperate to eat the things I don’t let myself have. But recently…I have gradually been experimenting. Last weekend I ate a packet of peanut butter m&m’s which I LOVE - and sat there with no guilt. Enjoyed every single one. And you know what? I felt so ill. Just from a small bag. My body didn’t like it - and I realised that I would have been better having 5 or 6 m&m’s - enjoying the taste and moving on to something else. Not waste so many calories on something that makes me feel sluggish and nasty. I am learning. It makes me feel less troubled by peanut butter m&m’s - less longing. I long more for organic all natural peanut butter on a wholemeal muffin with raisins and banana after a hard workout - to be honest. And THIS feels beautiful and NEW. 

Don’t get me wrong - I’ve had my ups and downs and restrictions this past week. But essentially I have won. Weight is down and I feel a lot more at peace. I enjoy my food more and more. I still struggle with feeling “full” but I am getting there :) Strange that all I really wanted this afternoon was cottage cheese, jam and banana! And it’s so good! And good for me! It’s a new world. Going to be a struggle still, I know. I am not naive. In an hour something could come up or be offered that will change it all. But I am celebrating this moment right here. Because it helps me see a long term future where I can be free of these disordered thoughts and obsession with my weight.

Weight training tomorrow :) I’m embracing it. I have to eat more to cope with it and I think there will be some peanut butter involved :) 

healthymindset:

I don’t know if you ever notice and compare: when you’re having a bad day and you look in the mirror and feel so fat, then on another day you look in the mirror and you feel okay, you see your normal weight. Nothing has really changed, your weight hasn’t changed in a day or two, it’s just your perception that has changed- our minds really distorts our image.

Need a little bit more faith…

Every time I go to the gym, or am at work knowing I am going to the gym later I doubt myself so much. “I won’t be able to run”. “I will fail”. “I will only be able to burn 100 calories”. “My body won’t be able to do what I want it too”. “I am rubbish and can’t work out like I want to”.

And then I go and most times, I find it in me to do it. To surpass expectations. My body starts moving and my mind kicks in and the world feels right again. But I fear that failure. I fear the struggle. I forget that even if I miss the gym more often because of working extra hours this doesn’t immediately make me fatter or less fit - no matter how it might FEEL within my body. In fact, sometimes it helps. And progress is still being made. I sat on the bus going to the gym today with a heaviness inside. Felt so tired. But then I had been sitting down at work all day. In any other world I would go home and slob on sofa and eat crap. But I went to gym even though I looked like death. I ran. I went on cross trainer. I burnt 450 calories in an hour. Even enjoyed it. Felt proud and came home and ate prawns and salad. I had already failed in my head before I even got there. Head down, shoulders down….beat down. Feeling full of food and like I had not done enough exercise this week. But some weeks will be like this. I have to learn to trust in consistency. It all sounds so easy, with both food and exercise, but when you lose control over one or the other it is so easy to feel like EVERYTHING is lost.

Just my tired thoughts tonight. I never think “am going gym and going to kill it”. I say “I’ll do what I can” or “I’ll be happy with 200 calories”…just because I am so afraid of saying “I want 800” and then struggling and failing. It’s so silly. Who cares about the numbers but me? Some days it just doesn’t want to happen. It’s not a reflection of ME as an individual. Soon this won’t be such a problem as I will always have time to work out before work now that I am moving to live next to work :)

It’s moving week :) Food challenges are abundant this week, but I am determined not to let anything ruin this for me. I need to stay centered and calm. And remember everything I have learnt. Yes this week is unstructured and exercise can’t be a priority with moving and stuff. But I can still be happy, and feel deserving of peace inside, and positive about the future. Calories must not take away the meaning and significance of this change in my life. It’s a fight. For sure. A fight with my head. But I am so determined. Even when I lose myself, go silent and numb with fear when the scale creeps up. Or go backwards in my thinking - I am still fighting. I am still trying my very best. I hold onto this.