iwillfightbetter

My ongoing and ever evolving story of recovery from an eating disorder and depression. Constantly learning, changing and growing. It can be a beautiful process and is worth the hard work. Seeking healthy relationship with food and exercise. To run without the mental torture and eat without a calorie calculator in my head. To dream and aspire because there is so much more life available without an ED. To look in mirrors. To enjoy food. To discover why this happened and challenge every false assumption. To re-learn who I am. To quit dieting and love health, nutrition and fitness with COMPASSION for myself. For this to be worth something. To help others. For this to be the making of me, not what tears me down.

TO FIGHT. Challenge accepted.
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Dad & I ❤️

Found this on my dad’s camera. Not even sure when he took it. We took him to a hospice today. One of the hardest things I have ever experienced. The whole thing. So grateful for support of family. Just thought this picture was incredible.

My dad is my hero.

#sunset #dusk #beautiful #nature #takeamoment #grief

grass10:

shoutout to all the overweight/healthy weight range people with eating disorders who never get acknowledged and dont get the best care

Cash keeping me company this morning when I woke up super early. #hamster #hamstersofinstagram #hamstersoninstagram #lovehim

pr1nceshawn:

A Powerful, Thought-Provoking Comic On Depression And Battling It by Erika Moen.

(via silverinkwings)

Tomorrow is never
guaranteed,
though it is always
a promise
to try again;
to try harder.

I am not a
failure,
a broken vase
in the garden
or a flaw
in human genetics.

There are so many
demons
lashing out at me,
spitting in my face
and stabbing at my heart
trying to make me
give up.

I’ll go to bed tonight
and dream of who I
may have been,
I had
countless possibilities
and futures
within my
reach.

Tomorrow I will
wake up
and try again.

Libby H. (via thecouplet)

(via luna-leona)

So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.
John Green (via pinksnap)

The problem is not what I want
or what I love, who I love
or what makes me tick.

It’s not
self-harm or the overdoses I have or haven’t taken,
nor is it food or my compulsion to exercise.

It’s not my sleepless nights
or the anxiety that tears through me
nor the flashbacks and dreams I see before my very own eyes.

It’s who I am,
the way I see,
and how to love
myself
when for so long I was made to see myself as
nothing and nobody.

N.J., You taught me to hate myself, and I carried on teaching myself long after you stopped. (via painstained-letters)

Best gift from Bethan ❤️ I love Tupperware! #tupperware #yay #happyjackson #gift

Did this in just over an hour. I am not sure how I managed to do this when I’m truly feeling at my lowest emotionally and with my weight at a point I am so uncomfortable with. I’ve tried to keep up the running. It makes me feel free and helps my mind. Struggling with everything that is happening with dad and knowing what is going to happen, struggling with food every day, struggling with my weight and body. It can’t be separated - it’s all just a huge struggle right now. #recovery #edrecovery #eatingdisorder #bingeeatingdisorder #bingeeating #eatingdisorderrecovery #grief #depression #running #nikeplus #runner #loverunning #atypicalanorexia #bulimiarecovery #ednos #ednosrecovery #hope #keepgoing

Tiger! Pretty incredible! #tiger #zoo #londonzoo #bigcat #beautiful (at ZSL London Zoo)

I loved the zoo yesterday - I especially loved the Heron that kept landing when I was taking pictures of other animals🐧. I like to think this is the same Heron I snapped at Regents Park a few weeks back! Every time I saw it it reminded me of dad! ❤️#zoo #heron #londonzoo #animals

Weight loss does not make people happy. Or peaceful. Being thin does not address the emptiness that has no shape or weight or name. Even a wildly successful diet is a colossal failure because inside the new body is the same sinking heart.
Geneen Roth (via purplebuddhaproject)

(via brave--the--run)