My ongoing and ever evolving story of recovery from an eating disorder and depression. Constantly learning, changing and growing. It can be a beautiful process and is worth the hard work. Seeking healthy relationship with food and exercise. To run without the mental torture and eat without a calorie calculator in my head. To dream and aspire because there is so much more life available without an ED. To look in mirrors. To enjoy food. To discover why this happened and challenge every false assumption. To re-learn who I am. To quit dieting and love health, nutrition and fitness with COMPASSION for myself. For this to be worth something. To help others. For this to be the making of me, not what tears me down.

TO FIGHT. Challenge accepted.
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Reminder that people can be in the overweight or obese BMI range and have a restrictive eating disorder

Reminder that people can be in the overweight or obese BMI range and be starving and need rest, re-feeding and metabolic restoration

Reminder that some people’s natural healthy weights can be…


I’ve eaten so many calories I can feel them running through my veins.

Really struggling with all aspects of all my eating disorders. I know now of all times is not a time to beat myself up for eating certain things and I did all I could just to survive today, but it’s been kicking my butt for so long. I feel exhausted. Losing dad is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and nothing makes it worse than food and my body being my enemy, too. I ate cake, ice cream and pizza today because it was there and I am grieving. Of course I feel horrendously guilty. I just wanted to just be. But I overdid it big time. But we all did. Feel humungous. I need to find some solid ground again so I can move forward and not be in these extremes.
I miss my daddy so much :( 💔😢 #edrecovery #recovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #bingeeatingdisorder #ednos #ednosrecovery #grief #atypicalanorexia #fearfood #weight #calories #tired #depression

Has been such a hard day saying goodbye to my precious, wonderful Dadsie. Can’t say thank you enough to everyone who came and has supported me and my family. Love you Dadsie, you were and still are my hero. Miss you so, so much. #grief #daddy

Donna came and met Cashew tonight :) two of my favourites in one picture. #hamster #loveher



the fact that I regret eating makes me really fucking mad

self reminder: food is good, eating is healthy, not eating will kill me


Sometimes I just get hit by waves of grief for the person I could have been during my eating disorder. All that time, I was destroying that person.

Afternoon walk. Walked from Ruislip to Northwood via the Lido and the woods. Took about an hour. Enjoyed it and met my friend for coffee at the other end. Lots of thinking and also dad loved walking up here ❤️😢 #nature #ruislip#ruislipwoods #takeamoment #beautiful #exerciseformentalhealth #grief

Great street name! #funny #northwood

Robin Williams didn’t die from suicide. I only just heard the sad, sad news of Robin Williams’s death. My wife sent me a message to tell me he had died, and, when I asked her what he died from, she told me something that nobody in the news seems to be talking about.

When people die from cancer, their cause of death can be various horrible things – seizure, stroke, pneumonia – and when someone dies after battling cancer, and people ask “How did they die?”, you never hear anyone say “pulmonary embolism”, the answer is always “cancer”. A Pulmonary Embolism can be the final cause of death with some cancers, but when a friend of mine died from cancer, he died from cancer. That was it. And when I asked my wife what Robin Williams died from, she, very wisely, replied “Depression”.

The word “suicide” gives many people the impression that “it was his own decision,” or “he chose to die, whereas most people with cancer fight to live.” And, because Depression is still such a misunderstood condition, you can hardly blame people for not really understanding. Just a quick search on Twitter will show how many people have little sympathy for those who commit suicide…

But, just as a Pulmonary Embolism is a fatal symptom of cancer, suicide is a fatal symptom of Depression. Depression is an illness, not a choice of lifestyle. You can’t just “cheer up” with depression, just as you can’t choose not to have cancer. When someone commits suicide as a result of Depression, they die from Depression – an illness that kills millions each year. It is hard to know exactly how many people actually die from Depression each year because the figures and statistics only seem to show how many people die from “suicide” each year (and you don’t necessarily have to suffer Depression to commit suicide, it’s usually just implied). But considering that one person commits suicide every 14 minutes in the US alone, we clearly need to do more to battle this illness, and the stigmas that continue to surround it. Perhaps Depression might lose some its “it was his own fault” stigma, if we start focussing on the illness, rather than the symptom. Robin Williams didn’t die from suicide. He died from Depression*. It wasn’t his choice to suffer that.

#life #recovery #edrecovery #depression #ednos #ednosrecovery #hope #trying #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #grief #progressnotperfection

The flowers that work sent me looking beautiful. #flowers #lillies #grief #grateful


yes my body is healthy but my head is still jumbled and numbers still plague my every thought and there’s nothing i want more than to crawl back into the shell that i was

so please don’t assume that i’m ‘better’ just because now there’s padding between my bones and my skin. i’m far from it and i wish that somehow people could see my struggle

(via staystrongfighton)